In life, there are times when we put in so much effort for our parents, caring for them, trying to meet their needs, yet they don’t seem to acknowledge or care for us in return. But ironically, the one who causes them distress or trouble may receive their attention and care. It seems that life is full of debts—whether small or large, heavy or light—and we find ourselves in situations where we must either repay a debt or claim one.
You can also listen to the audio version above
The concept of debt in relationships
There is an old saying that both sons and daughters are “old debts”—we are either repaying a debt or collecting one. This metaphor speaks to the idea that our relationships with others, especially with our parents, are not just built on love, but also on a deeper cycle of debts—whether karmic or emotional.
- karmic debt between parents and children
- Three Types of Offspring According to Karma in Buddhist Perspective
The saying “Nhi nữ thời túc trái khảo trái, hoàn trái” (“Women in their prime bear fruit early, yet are often met with misfortune.”) speaks to this idea. Sons and daughters carry the fruit of past actions, and in turn, they either repay their debts to their parents or their parents repay them. No matter which side of this cycle we find ourselves on, it’s important to understand that every interaction has a deeper purpose, often connected to past actions or karma.
The Unseen Cycle of Care and Responsibility
When we care for our parents and they don’t show the same level of affection, or even speak harshly to us, it can be hard to understand why. Yet, we may notice that the person who causes them the most trouble may receive their love and support in abundance. They may even give that person money or help without hesitation, while we, as the caregivers, feel neglected.
This can be puzzling and even painful, but it’s essential to remember that this might be part of a larger cycle—one that involves karmic debts being paid or received. We may be repaying a debt to our parents, but at the same time, they may receive something elsewhere that balances the exchange. Life’s debts and exchanges aren’t always straightforward, and sometimes, the ways in which these debts are settled are beyond our understanding.
Understanding and Acceptance in the Cycle
If you find yourself in this situation—where you feel unappreciated for your efforts while seeing others receiving what you seek—remember that life’s cycles of debt and repayment are complex. We may be the ones paying a debt or perhaps we are the ones who will be repaid later. This dynamic doesn’t always make sense in the moment, but trust that it is part of a larger, natural process.
In Buddhism, it is taught that all relationships are interconnected and that the debts we owe are not always settled in a direct or immediate way. Sometimes, the person we care for might not show the appreciation we hope for, but that doesn’t mean our efforts are in vain. The love and care we give may come back to us in other forms or in future lives.
Embracing the Cycle of Life
Life is full of relationships that are shaped by past actions, debts, and karmic exchanges. Whether we feel we are the ones giving or receiving, every interaction is part of this larger cycle. The key is to embrace it with understanding and compassion, knowing that even when we don’t see immediate rewards, our efforts are part of a deeper process that transcends this lifetime.
By understanding this cycle, we can let go of expectations and approach our relationships with a heart full of patience, knowing that everything we do is part of a larger, more profound journey of growth and understanding.
Lesson by Venerable Thích Pháp Hoà